On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
