My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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