enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
