I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
