She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
