thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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