they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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