Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
