just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
