if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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