Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
