***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
