Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
