They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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