I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
