how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
