I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
