she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
