take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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