so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
