I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
