and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
