I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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