Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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