1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
