And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
