I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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