Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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