Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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