perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
