dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
