Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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