For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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