I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
