John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
