I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
