Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
