Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
