So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
