I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The power of my boobs compel you
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
