some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
