this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
