i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
