We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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