After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
