Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
