I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
