i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
