You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
