Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
