he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
